God's Love

Today I was having one of those days. You know the day. Everyone has been there at some point or another (maybe so, maybe not). The day where you keep asking yourself, and God, why? You know you have faith, you know things will work out, you know that tomorrow you'll feel different, and that this too shall pass. But for today, you just want to be sad. Have a good cry. Break down for a few minutes. You've been strong for so long. Been hiding feelings. Telling yourself that everything is fine, that it's not a big deal, that life goes on. When deep inside you want to bawl your blinking eyes out. (Could be PMS, that happens too) Well, I finally broke down today. When will this end? I feel like we've been doing this forever now. I had been sad most of the day about different things and finally tonight during Brock and my dinner prayer, I just started crying and couldn't stop. I wasn't sobbing crying, just tears streaming down my face. Brock kept saying, 'mommy sad? mommy wet,' and then he'd wipe my face and kiss it better. It did help a little bit. He is so sweet. So tender hearted.

Darrik has been gone for 5 months and 20 days. He has been home a few times for a few days at a time, but mostly gone. I know there are people out there who have it worse than us. Some people don't see each other for months or years. I know that I have it pretty good, but it's never easy on anyone at first. This has been extremely hard on us. Hard on Darrik, hard on me, hard on Brock and hard on our family as a whole and our marriage.

Since Darrik had been gone, I have had to pick up the slack around the house. The garbages, the lawn (on occasion, my dad has helped out a ton), the dogs, the mail, the everything he used to do on top of all the things I already do. The laundry, cooking, cleaning, playing with Brock (no complaint, just on the list of things I do), picking Brock up from babysitters, work 30 hours a week... anyway. You get it. It's hard to be a single mom. To add to that I need Darrik for so much more than just the physical side. He gives me so much strength to go throughout my day. Without him, I struggle. He loves and cares about me so much and always knows just what I need. Or where to help out when he can tell I'm stressed, or just what to say to make me relax and feel better. I am a words of affirmation person. He is so good to always tell me that dinner was good, or that the house looks amazing (he said the other night, the whole house is spotless, except for the dishes... ha ha ha just the big ones that needed to be done by hand), or that I look good, or whatever. But it is hard for him to say and do those things to show he appreciates me when he's not here. So it's hard on me. Brock also misses him like crazy, and that is so hard on me as well. To watch my baby walk around the house crying for daddy and not being able to give daddy to him. He's been pretty upset lately, and hasn't wanted to go to bed and hasn’t slept very well, which also makes for a tired, ornery mommy. So that has been hard.

As you might know, Darrik is building a dental clinic in Kansas right now. When he is finished there is no job lined up for them when they get home. In fact his step-dad, who he's been working for, will be done working period when they get back. So he will be out work. So if you hear of anything, anything at all, please let us know. Darrik (mostly me) has been applying for job after job after job and he has had two interviews already. One for a job in Alaska and one for a company in Clearfield. We're waiting to hear back from the one in Alaska and the job in Clearfield, not so great. When he went in for his interview and they told him the position had already been filled. They didn't even bother to call him. So that was a big fat bummer. We had felt so good about this job, so it was so weird that this happened. There must be something better out there for us. He has a few back up, side-job things available if he can't find a job, so that is good. But it is so scary to think about him being out of work. I know a lot of people are out of a job, and we've been there too. But we've been hanging on by a thread for a while now and I'm getting a little freaked out about the whole thing. Hence, I had a break-down today. But something very special happened to me tonight.

I was puting Brock to bed just now and we did our routine, bath, teeth, stories, prayers etc. When it came time for songs I started singing one of the songs I used to sing to him while I was pregnant with him, 'If I had words' from the movie Babe. Brock knew most of the words and sang a lot with me. He has never done this before. He has said one or two words, or finished my sentence, but he full on sang with me. Of course he missed a few words, but he's not even two yet. My baby knows 'our song'. He can sing the lines, he can sing a sentence. I was so overwhelmed. I could barely see through the flood of tears streaming down my face. His sweet, innocent, little voice, so clear on pitch was so comforting to me. I love my son so much and I just wanted to hold him and sing forever. This small thing made me go from super sad, border line depressed, to extremely over-joyed. I could feel my saviors love for me so strong. I knew that things will work out, that tomorrow is another day, that this too shall pass FOR REAL. I got a little glimpse of what our Heavenly Father feels for his children. He knows us. He loves us. He wants what's best for us. He is real, and is always there. Even when we feel like he's not.

Anyway, just wanted to share :D